A preemie morning one year in

19th July 2018

Wake to sound of adorable cooing/incessant wailing/poo strains.

-Cringe and collect offending twin and proceed downstairs with one eye open.
-keeping all lights off lest twin 1 thinks it is morning, collapse on sofa with throw and cushion. Cuddle baby in and hope for sleep
-breathe a sigh of relief as twin 1’s breathing softens and they start to drift off. Think happy thoughts and await slumber.
-cry internally as a bastard daddy long legs flutters somewhere near your head, sparking twin 1’s interest and necessitating mad flailing with a shoe in an attempt to beat it to death as punishment for getting you up again.
-switch on light to track the little bugger down, throw various objects at the wall (bemusing twin 1) and sigh as daddy long legs settles on light fitting, silently mocking you
-realise twin 1 has no intention of sleeping and head to kitchen to make milk.
-hear twin 2 whimpering over baby monitor and go to check on them.
-hear twin one doing something with crockery and rush back downstairs to find them playing with last night’s dinner dishes/cup of tea
-plonk twin 2 down, remove dishes and other dangerous items from room while realising there is an unholy stink of shit in the air.
-make bottle for twin 2 and fetch changing bag
-start to change twin 1. Stop to remove twin 2 from coffee table drawers.
-Return to twin 1. Hold breath and remember giving them banana last night.
-pause clean-up operation to stop twin 2 eating twin 1’s dirty nappy.
-take hideous stinky nappy outside and remember it’s bin day. Take bin to kerbside.
-return to find Boots advantage card vouchers in twin 1’s mouth. Remove purse from twin 1. Bin vouchers.
-remember twin 1 needs anti-fungal cream. Retrieve from fridge and apply to wriggling baby whilst fending off twin 2, who is attempting to eat the tube.
-return to kitchen for bottles. Draw up babies’ medicines, spilling the one that smells like rancid Bovril. Wipe up.
– arrange twin 1 on sofa with bottle. Fetch twin 2’s inhaler.
-chase twin 2 around the room with inhaler. Eventually pin them down and administer 2 puffs for 6.5 seconds, rather than the intended 10 before they wriggle free and protest loudly.
-sit next to twin 1 who has nearly finished their bottle and begin to feed twin 2.
-sigh as twin 2’s reflux kicks in about 30 seconds into their bottle. Continue to try and get them to drink, burp them, put their dummy in while they squirm and cry. Sniff. Realise they’re pooing.
-sit in twin 2’s stink because they’ve finally started to drink their bottle and you don’t want to put them off.
-help twin 1 down from sofa as they finished their bottle ages ago and have their sights set on removing all the cushions from the other sofa, knowing you’ll be trapped under twin 1 for some time yet.
-25 minutes in give up on twin 2’s bottle as they begin a raspberry-blowing contest with twin 1.
-change twin 2 and apply eczema ointments that twin 1 is trying to eat.
-remove twin 2’s cannula to begin oxygen weaning. Realise with relief that this means you can light a Yankee candle and hopefully rid the room of poo smell without the risk of setting fire to twin 2.

-wonder if you just heard twin 1 say “shit”
-make cup of tea and sit down to relax.
-glance at clock.
-Realise it’s time to start making the babies’ breakfast.


Leo's Neonatal

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