30 Years old, 3 and a half without you

13th August 2018

Today I am turning 30. It’s been a funny one. It’s a big occasion. I decided on meaningful gifts, things I could treasure and remember were my 30th birthday gifts, and ones I could really look forward to receiving. I was trying constantly to distract myself from the impending upset I knew was coming my way. I tried really hard to get in the swing of it all, feel excited, embrace the new decade of my life as I wave my 20s behind.

But, you see, there’s this gaping hole in my heart, which only aches even more today. Every year I get older, is a year longer I have without you. I had a brilliant day with your brothers, making magical memories, but as I watched them play, I imagined you right there with them. Running around on the grass, play fighting, running over to me and giving me the biggest warmest hug. In the moment it feels safe to daydream about the life I should have had, and so desperately want, but then, as always, the realisation that it’s just that, a day dream, hits home and my heart breaks again.

When the day’s events are over, and I’m left alone, is when it hits me. It hits me you aren’t here. I can’t get the hug I would give anything for, I don’t get a kiss on the cheek to greet me good morning, I don’t get your voice singing happy birthday to me or cutting you a slice of cake.

Occasions are always tinged with sadness, I knew you would have wanted me to enjoy myself, especially today, but, nothing is ever going to be the same without you.

The pain of wanting you on days like this gets too much. Oh, what I’d give to tell you I love you and kiss your beautiful face.

Mummy x


Leo's Neonatal

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